You can be alone and not be lonely. You can be lonely and
not be alone. To be both can be crushing. Left alone with your thoughts, your
mind starts spinning, thinking of all the things that have happened recently, wondering
what you did wrong, wondering what you could have done better, regretting words
or actions, wondering what others think of you, wondering if anyone even
notices when things aren't okay. You want others to notice. You want to know
that you aren't alone in the darkness. You want to know that someone is there
for you should you need them. You want to have that comfort, and yet, it isn't always
there.
For others, you are a ship passing on the sea of their life,
your light barely shining to signal you are there, your distress signals
unnoticed. In your world, your ship is sinking. In their world, you’re a ripple
on the water, hidden by the waves. The ship closest to you throws out a
lifeline, and it helps. It isn't always enough. Despite the efforts, your ship
is still sinking. You know that line is secure, but in your heart, it isn't enough to hold you up, and you are barely managing to tread water. You haven’t
drowned yet, but you feel that you will, and the current drags at you,
beckoning into the darkness. You know that isn't where you belong, but it is so
hard to resist that current. As you sink, the ship attached to your lifeline
starts to sink, as well, and because of it, the current spins faster. If you
are lucky, you manage to get free of the current, but it is always there,
threatening to pull you back. Sometimes, it grabs you, and though you may only
be caught on the edges, even your lifeline isn't enough to pull you completely
away. You have to swim to do that, but you can’t. The ability is hidden deep
inside you, and you don’t know where to find it.
I managed to get out of the current, but I am still caught
at the edges, riding the waves of emotion, wondering if I will ever be able to
break free.
